A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Blond Joke A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, it's because you're 25."
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS) 1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. 5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 8. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 9. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. 10. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. 11. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. 12. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. 13. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. 14. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. 15. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. 16. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. 17. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. 18. A bicycle can't stand alone: it is two tired. 19. A will is a dead giveaway. 20. Time flies like an arrow: fruit flies like a banana. 21. A backwards poet writes inverse. 22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts: in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 23. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 24. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 25. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 26. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-Flat miner. 27. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 28. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 29. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 30. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 31. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. 32. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 33. A calendar's days are numbered. 34. A lot of money is tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine. 35. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 36. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 37. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 38. Those who get too high for their britches will be exposed in the end. 39. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 40. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. 41. When she was her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye. 42. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Sorry to bring this thread down on this story, but today a pal of mine was hurt on his job. He was grinding on a head when the stone came apart and sent shrapenal all over the place. The good news is he was wearing goggles, but a chunk of the tool made it past and hit him in the eye. A rather large piece of skin on his eye lid was not salvageable and there was considerable risk of further damage to his eye. Due to the obvious serious nature of the wound, emergency surgury was in order to try to save the eye, and it was determined that the only way to get a piece of donor skin on short notice was to take a small piece of skin from his scrotum<----OUCH! So that is what was done. Now the good news! The damage to the eye ball is not permanent, but, the doctor has informed him that he is going to be cock eyed for the rest of his life.:spank:
I was tired of old people at wedding nudging me all the time," You're next, you know. You're next young man." I started saying that to them at funerals. They never bothered me again. -Josh
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all 10 of his finkers. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comHe vent to da emergency room in the Clinik & vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole & said, "Let's have da finkers & I'll see vhat I can do." <o></o> <o></o> Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." <o></o> <o></o> "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 & Ive's got microsurgery & all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on & made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" <o></o> <o></o> Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?<o></o>
The latest telephone poll taken by the Texas Governor's office, asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem: 29 percent of the respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." 71 percent of the respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."
My dad sent me this one. I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? Duh? On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her!. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my a$$ and a car hit me.
One day, a priest and a nun were out hitting the links. The priest teed off first - it was a beautiful shot, straight down the fairway. The ball hit the green, rolled up to the hole, and stopped just short of going in. The priest, fuming, said "Damn! I missed!" The nun was stunned! "Father," she said, "you are a man of the cloth! Please speak appropriately! If you swear again, I will be forced to call on God's wrath." They finished the first hole and moved on to the second. The priest went first again; he clocked the ball all the way to the green! 432 yards, just like that! The ball rolled right up, up, up to the hole... it hit the rim, rolled once around, and rolled OUT! The priest, who was livid, picked up his bag of clubs, screamed "Damn! I MISSED!" At this point, the nun prayed silently, "Heavenly Father, please strike down this heathen!" A lightning bolt struck down the nun, and a voice came down from heaven: "Damn, I missed!"
Another joke:There was this burgular who broke into this house,and was searching for the safe...he looked behind the picture on the wall.He removed the picture and started to try to crack the safe. Suddenly he heard this voice in the distance:"you better be careful...Jesus is watching you!!!" The burgular stopped,looked around,and he even looked UP,but he saw nothing or no one.Undaunted,he started spinning the lock again.The voice said again:"You better be careful,JESUS is WATCHING YOU!!!" The burgular stopped again,this time he flashed his light around,even flashing his light UP. He saw nothing...he went back to the safe,but before he got there,the voice screamed:"YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL...JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!!!" The burgular spun around and shined the light in the direction from where he heard the voice.The light shined on a parrot.The parrot said:You better BE CAREFUL,JESUS is Watching You!" The burgular said to the parrot;"Jesus is watching me,huh? The parrot said "YES!" The burgular asked the parrot laughingly:"Are you Jesus?" The parrot replied,"No,I'm not Jesus...I'm MOSES". The burgular asked:"Who would name a parrot,MOSES?" The parrot replied:"The same person who named the Doberman Pinscher JESUS!!!" And JESUS introduced himself to the burgular.
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula............. "Back off!" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Two eggs are put into boiling water . One egg looks at the other and says ... Hope I get Hard , I just got laid this morning ,,,,,,,,:bla: :bla: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
This is the Christmas tree joke. A man with his wife are eating supper with their 2 teens when.... The teen boy asks his dad how many kinds of boobies there are. The father is shocked, but then smiles and replies. In their 20's a woman's boobies are like melons. Firm and round. In their 30's and 40's they're like pears. Firm with a good shape still. Above 50, they are like onions. The boy asks how they could be like onions and the dad says. When you see them you want to cry! This made the mother mad. The daughter looked at her and asked how many types of peckers there are. The mother was shocked, but then smiled big and replied. In his 20's a man's is like an oak tree. Strong and hard as a rock. In his 30's and 40's it's like a beech. Bends but doesn't break. After 50 it's like a Christmas tree. How could it be like a Christmas tree asks the daughter. The wife replies, because it's dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?" "Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk so me of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?" "Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
The first of a threesome is teeing up his ball on a dogleg around a pond. He hits his drive and it slices straight for the water. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a stick that he touches to the water. The water parts and his ball hits hard ground and rolls up onto the fairway short of the green. The second guy says good shot Moses as he tees up his ball. He also slices towards the water but his ball hits the water and skates across like the water is frozen and rolls onto the green. The third guy says good shot Jesus as he tees up his ball. Wouldn't you know it he slices towards the water too. But before his ball hits the water a big Bass jumps out of the water and grabs the ball. Before the fish gets back to the water an eagle grabs him and lifts him high into the air. As the bird is flying away with the fish it spits the ball out whereby it bounces on the green and goes in the cup for a hole in one. Jesus says good shot Dad! Mikey
