I got this one from a friend this morining: A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me." The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met , but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!"
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... SATAN: "Why so glum?" GUY: "What do you think? I'm in hell!" SATAN: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" GUY: "Sure, I love to drink." SATAN: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." GUY: "Gee that sounds great!" SATAN: "You a smoker?" GUY: "You better believe it" SATAN: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cig ars fr om all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?" GUY: "Wow...that's awesome!" SATAN: "I bet you like to gamble." GUY: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." SATAN: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." GUY: "Cool!" SATAN: "What about drugs?" GUY: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?" SATAN: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares." GUY: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" SATAN: "You gay?" GUY: "No..." SATAN: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Carpenter is putting siding on a house. Pulls a nail out, looks at it and pounds it in. Looks at the next nail and throws it over his shoulder. Foreman is watching this and asks why he is throwing away, like half the nails. Carpenter says they are no good, the head is on the wrong end. Foreman says, you idiot, they are for the other side of the house.
There was this landowner who hired the landscaper to perform a service.The landowner told the landscaper that he would pay him $10,000.00 to do a job for him.The landowner said:"I want on this field every tree,every bush.evry blade of grass cut down,except the tree that sits in the middle of the meadow." The landscaper said:"What?"The landowner repeated:"I,want YOU,to cut down and remove every tree,every bush,every blade of grass from this field,except the TREE that sits in the middle of the meadow,and I'LL PAY YOU $10,000.00." The landscaper agreed,and cut down every tree,bush,blade of grass except the tree that sat in the middle of the meadow.After the job was done and money was paid for services rendered,the landscaper asked,"Why did want this done?"The landowner told the landscaper that that tree holds a special memory..."It,was the tree under which I first made love."The landscaper first smiled,but the landowner told him,"also,it was the tree uner which,I got caught,too,by the mother."the landscaper said:You got caught under this tree making love by the mother,under this tree that sits in the middle of the meadow,What did the mother say? The landowner said:"BAAAH!!!!" Jay B.Britt,Jr.
got this beauty of an email today... To all my Italian friends and family, and a few who are not - enjoy! ...and if you're from Brooklyn, New Jursey, or Long Eyeland, you'll really appreciate this! Eye-Talian Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses? Because Italians hate all witnesses. Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners You only get one good shave from a disposable razor. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair. There were more than 28 people in your bridal party. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . . Your grandfather had a fig tree. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00. Christmas Eve . . . only fish. Your mom's meatballs are the best. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you. Clear plastic covers on all the furniture. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella." You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy." You've called someone a "mamaluke." And you understand "bada bing".
CHICAGO POLICE REPORT: Lovie Smith's House was egged. Chicago police reported that some individual attempted to "egg" Lovie Smith's house last night. The report stated; An empty egg carton was recovered at the scene. Two eggs hit Mr. Smith's house, 3 eggs went over his house and hit his neighbor's back door, 2 eggs hit the houses of each of his next-door neighbors, and the remaining 3 eggs were found broken on the ground near the carton from where the individual threw them. Looking at what was hit; police officials say they are considering Rex Grossman as the primary suspect.
I have "great" friends, don't I? Recieved this today: Today local police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Wiener. I was just checking to make sure that all you guys in my Email group are okay.
You Might Be A Ricer If <HR> [*]You have more exhaust decibels than your engine has horsepower. [*]You have aftermarket FRONT wheels for racing but stock rear wheels. [*]Your engine makes twice as much horsepower as torque. [*]17" rims up front, 13" out back on your FWD. [*]You ever painted your wheels to match the same color of your car. [*]You put your automatic car in neutral at every stoplight in order to roll it back and try to fool other people into thinking you have a manual transmission [*]DuPont gave up trying to figure out the shade you were asking for. [*]Your mod list includes stereo equipment, shifter handle, MOMO steering wheel, PIA driving lights, exhaust tip, but no REAL engine parts. [*]A chameleon lizard undergoes fewer shade changes than your custom paint scheme. [*]Your rims and tires are so large, that you have to install the tire / wheel from underneath the car because it simply won't fit in the wheel well going in from the side. [*]The dealer laughs when you bring your car back in for service under warranty, and you've only had it 6 months... [*]Your tires / rims stick out from the lip of your car by more than 1." [*]Your paint job is from the WRONG end of the color spectrum. [*]You installed spacers on your STOCK wheels and tires to get them to stick out past the fender. [*]You see cars like yours in a Shriner's Parade for Children and clowns are driving them. [*]You bring an empty Maxwell House coffee can with you to compare size when you shop for an aftermarket exhaust system. [*]Your Eclipse GS-T hardtop has a "SPYDER" emblem on the rear... [*]Your sum knowledge of suspension is: "the more negative camber, the better the handling." [*]You push your car through the staging lanes. That way, maybe you can break into the 16s by keeping the motor cool between runs. [*]You add a super tall rear wing, and a hundred pounds of aftermarket ground effects, neon and stereo yet you gut the interior and yank out the rear seat for weight savings. [*]Your rear wing AND your rear window have a third mount brake light... [*]The back lighting in the gauges in your A-pillar gauge pod work long before the actual gauges are hooked up. [*]You cut 4 coil springs and scrape the chassis on the ground. Sparks are cool when you corner at normal traffic speeds! [*]You have to find a way to drive AROUND speed bumps in a parking lot. [*]You install clear corner and brake lights. [*]You install colored bulbs in your aftermarket clear lenses. [*]You ever put neon on the bottom of your car, and then busted it on the first speed bump you went over. [*]You painted the UNDERBODY of your car to match [*]If your rear spoiler is taller then you are. [*]if you can fit fist **** your exhaust tip [*]You have more stereo WATTS than engine TORQUE! [*]If your tailpipe extension is the most expensive mod youve done to your engine yet. [*]Your tailpipe extension fell off during a quarter mile race and you went three tenths of a second faster due to weight savings. [*]EVERY car in your class has a turbo pushing double digits worth of boost. [*]You spent $5,000 on the engine and you can not out run a stock Camaro, Firebird, or Mustang [*]You want the 'wastegate' sound, but don't want to install a turbocharger system. [*]You think Nitrous Oxide on your Hyundai Sonata puts you in the same performance league as the Chevy Corvette. [*]The automatic version of your car runs 2 seconds slower in the 1/4mile. [*]If the 1970 Plymouth Daytona Superbird has a smaller spoiler than your car does. [*]You think the Del Sol is a sports car... [*]A torque converter does NOTHING for your car. [*]You think a deep farty noise = the sound of high performance [*]If you think that horsepower is far more important than torque [*]If you have ever claimed that switching to a cone filter has given you more than 5 HP. [*]If you have ever considered installing more than one set of fog / driving lights. [*]If you claim that the aftermarket cold air intake system you just installed doubled your horsepower or took 2 or more seconds off of your E/T. Your baseball cap is always on backwards when you drive (the first sign of mental retardation, wearing your clothes backwards... BE). [*]You spent all night on the Internet trying to find a company that makes a turbocharger system for your Hyundai... [*]If you removed your side view mirrors and put them at the TOP of the door / window frame. [*]If you think the Fugees are 'speed' music. [*]MOMO is 'absolutely required' to go fast. [*]Your four cylinder has a dual exhaust system installed. [*]Your four cylinder has four exhaust pipes ("Hey, one for each cylinder!") [*]The color of your interior upholstery hurts the cones and rods in other people's eyes. [*]If you cannot drive your car in snow as the ground effects create a plow effect. [*]If you have installed driving lights to compensate for headlight blackouts / tape. [*]If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are impressive for a mildly modified engine. [*]If you have stickers on your car for parts that you could not point out if asked where those parts are installed. [*]You think pushrods are a bad thing [*]Your car has more decals than you do the quarter in seconds. [*]Every Honda you EVER owned, all the way back to your 1978 Accord was either a V-Tec or a TYPE-R. [*]You took your rear seat out and gutted your interior for weight savings but you installed 400 pounds of electronics, neon, DVD, Sony, etc. [*]If you gutted the interior to save weight on a car that you will never take to the track [*]You lean your seat so far back when you are driving, that every time you hit a bump, its your back and not your butt that hurts. [*]You have hydraulics and sixteen switches on a car you claim runs low 10s on the street and corners better than a Porsche. [*]If you can estimate that your car makes more than 250 HP without ever running it at the track or getting a dyno reading. [*]You claim that you can get a titanium block for your engine. [*]If you have ever thought Hyundai and "performance" went hand in hand [*]If you've ever gone to a parts shop or speed warehouse and asked for a 1" to 6" exhaust adapter... [*]If you've ever contemplated adding "TYPE-R" stickers to your Sonata [*]If you've removed more than 1/2 of the coils from your springs by cutting them yourself ... [*]If you have more neon lights on your car than a strip club... [*]You put Kanji on your Ford ZX2, Ford Probe, or Mercury Cougar ... [*]You own a "TYPE-R" Hyundai or Mazda. [*]You couldn't afford headlight masking, so you just painted them with flat black Krylon and it's peeling. Badly. [*]You claim that polishing your intake gave you 5hp. [*]You own a V-TEC Hyundai or Mazda (especially a V-TEC rotary engined Mazda RX-7) [*]You have neon INSIDE your car or in your ENGINE compartment [*]You ever claimed that high gas mileage made your car superior in performance to V8s. [*]If it takes you 8000rpm to reach 30mph from a dead stop at WOT. [*]You think yellow plastic interior trim makes your car cool [*]You spend $500 for a giant hand welded tube for a muffler with the weld marks extremely visible [*]If you paint your drum brakes to simulate Hi-po calipers [*]If you install fake hi-po caliper / disc simulators [*]You have a front wing. [*]If you lower your car and add ground effects but retain the stock 14inch wheels with disc style wheel covers [*]If you equate the sound of performance with the sound of a Weed Eater [*]If you think bolting a fake muffler to one side to simulate dual exhaust is cool [*]If you think colored head lights work better [*]Clear tail lights and turn signals. Theyre colored for a REASON! [*]If you take mom's 4 door Honda accord and do any kind of mod to it [*]You drive a Ford Escort station wagon with Kanji, wide tires, and Limp Bizkit stickers on the rear hatch [*]You claim you lost the race because you had a passenger in the car. [*]You claim how if you went from a roll you would have beat him. [*]You claim you lost because you missed a shift... and your car is an automatic. [*]You claim you lost because he must have been on the juice.. [*]Flying past the person who is 10 car lengths in front of you after they have put on their brakes.. and claim a victory. [*]after losing you flip your opponent off... rev your motor and fail to break the wheels loose even around a corner. [*]Tell everyone about how you lost the cop because of your "driving skills." [*]you are a white kid driving an import.. wear baggy pants/hat turned around, walk with a fake limp and end every sentence with "yew know wha I'm sayin? Relate." [*]Your idea of aiming a handgun is raising your arm over your head, pointing the gun away from you, and then just letting your wrist fall to the side to where the gun is almost sideways ... [*]drive around in a $20,000 import with $10,000 in mods.. and still live with your parents. [*]You can relate to every line of the song "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" by the Offspring [*]you take offense when I say.. "your sister is like your car.. small, tight and hard to get into." [*]You are a skinny, backwards hat wearing, dog chain wallet, 2 ft wide pants leg, Limp Bizkit looking white boy fag with a badly applied peroxide hair color treatment and temporary rub-on tattoos!
You were in the 70s or 80s the equivalent of the modern day ricer if you... Had a 2 barrel V8 with a single exhaust and a thrush muffler and thought your car was fast. Had $500 worth of mag wheels on a $300 car. Had the little speakers with the LED power meters built in. You wired up your reverse lights to come on all the time just because it looked cool, not because you wanted to race. You took your Moms Volare wagon and jacked up the back end , painted the gas tank and the rear axle white then put red lights on the pumpkin. Had a CB antenna and no CB. The only thing hooked up to the triple gauge set under the dash was the backlighting. You kept a playboy air freshener handy to hang off the mirror of your grandpaps 84 LTD so you hoped it would help make it look better. Big chrome fog lights behind the grill. Had a black sticker going across the top of your windshield with bold white letters proclaiming "Chevy" just in case you forgot who built your Nova. Feathered roach clips hanging from your rear view Two big rear deck mounted speakers and a 40 watt underdash Kraco power booster amp hooked up to your AM radio/FM converter. Airshocks and cragars on your sisters Vega. Driving your parents 4 door K car, at any time Whole interior sticky cause your gilrfriend kept spraying her "big hair" with aerosol powered superglue. Prismatic "Acapulco Gold" vanity license plates. Green and white "Peace flag" stickkers in the rear side windows. Static straps hanging off the rear bumper of your AM radio equpped Maverick. Drove an AMC Pacer for any reason. .... if anyone else who remembers this time period would like to jump in hereand mention something I might have missed. And no ..... I wont admit how many of these things I experienced personally :bla: Dan
The 70s...I wasn't driving then, but... Fender Flares Steering knobs Vans with murals and shag carpet
Subject: Being a Police Officer in the CANADA/AUSIE/USA Question: How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer? Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS Answer: (Immediate thought processes) Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan? Does he prefer to communicate in English or French? Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion? Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job? Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya? Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog? Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group? Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets? Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society? Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police? Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community? Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing? Is he a member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group? Warn and Charter him as he approaches. AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS Answer: BANG! AMERICAN OFFICERS Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
and from the videos of shootouts on tv you forgot... "Shots fired, suspect running, need back up....bring ammo." ou:
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'ray: Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.:Brow:
A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring Day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: 'Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?' 'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?' Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!' There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
About 8 or so years ago, I used to hang out with a bunch of high school kids who were in a "Car Club" who have used and abused all or most of these offenses, especially the lighting issues. Neon, strobe lights, and anything remotely ridiculous to draw attention to their "rides". Most of the accessories were operated by plugging something into the cigarette lighter port. One guy had so much bass coming from where the trunk is supposed to be that we were parked outside of a grocery store and we were asked to leave because his music was literally rattling fruit onto the floor of the produce aisle. It was a metal flake purple P.O.S., but the guy had more speakers than a KISS concert. Oh to be young and dumb again. -Josh ou:
