Two guys sat next to eachother on an airplane, both sporting black eyes. The first man asked, "Hey, how's you get your black eye?? I got mine this morning. I mixed up my words at the ticket counter. The ticket lady had these huge boobs and instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I said 'I'd like a picket to Titsburgh,' and she punched me in the face" The other man replied, "Hey, I mixed up my words this morning, too. I was at the breakfast table with my family and I meant to say, 'Honey, could you please pass the butter?' and instead I said 'You ruined my life, you miserable bitch!'" -Josh
A fellow walks into the doctor's office with a banana in one ear, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot in his nose. He says, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at him and says, "You're not eating right!"ou:
Our secretary came into work this morning, beaming about a new thermos she'd bought. "Hey Jen, whatcha so happy about?" "Oh, I just got this cool new thermos this weekend. You know, it keeps hot things hot, and it keeps cold things cold" she said. "So whatcha got in the Thermos, Jen?" She happily responded,"Coffee and some ice cream."
I bet most of you guys have seen this... I just saw it for the first time so I had to add it... Its , "You know you have to much horsepower when" ... But in my opinion It should be, "You know you have just enough horsepower when" 1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers. 2. You can't drive your car in the rain. 3. Your "significant other" is afraid to drive your car. 4. You are afraid to drive your car. 5. You spend more on tires than on food. 6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments. 7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash. 8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper. 9. You have to go to the track to buy gas. 10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you. 11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by. 12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. 13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office. 14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding. 15. You arrive somewhere before you left. 16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood." 17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight. 18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge. 19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run. 20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car. 22. You need parachute braking. 23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car. 24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am. 25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...) 26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car. 27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums! 28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???) 29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???) 30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid? "I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got lucky twice."
Here's another one.......... A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
you. Truzi. your geek card, hand it over now. we must burn it.... :moonu: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennium_Falcon "Solo in A New Hope brags that the Falcon made the Kessel Run in "less than twelve parsecs", referring to his ability to move the ship closer to the Maw's black holes and therefore cut the distance traveled."
Totally missed the Star Wars reference... I must have a life after all. yeah. cuz geeks who are up on the nuances and proper usage of terms like 'parsec' have a "life". :spank: now put your nose back in your books and get those grades up. :laugh:
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if hes found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, It looks like you blew a seal. No, no, the penguin replies, its just ice cream.
Start to a bad morning..... I rear ended a car this morning... I knew it was going to be a REALLY Bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" That's how the fight started...
An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my Lord!" Ethel exclaimed. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
A blonde wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we have been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied. "And I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A waiter walks up to table full of jewish woman and askes, "Is anything ok here"? What does a Hoover vacuum and a Harley-Davidson have in common? The dirt bag attached to the rear of it. A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me". That's my all-time best conversation starter. Works everytime. Loosens everyone up. How many University of Michigan grads does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw it in and three to tell you they went to U of M. The point of the joke is to show how full of themselves they are. Can work with any uppity school in your region.
