A KID'S VIEW OF MARRIAGE I have always enjoyed these. 1. How do you decide who to marry? You've got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10 2. What is the right age to get married? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You've got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 3. How can a stranger tell if two people are married? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8 4. What do you think your mom and dad have in common? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8 5. What do most people do on a date? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 6. What would you do on a first date that was turning sour? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9 7. When is it okay to kiss someone? When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 8. Is it better to be single or married? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 9. How would the world be different if people didn't get married? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
a bear walks into the bar and says I'll have a beer and a.... shot. The bartender says " hey buddy why the big pause?"
What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? Removable wing tips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mikey
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!" thanks to google for this joke...
One more... this one was good. A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..." The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes. The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"
3 Construction workers are eating lunch together when they open their lunch boxes. The first guy sees his lunch and curses,"Damnit, Tuna fish again!? If I get Tuna fish for lunch tomorrow, I'm gunna jump of the 20th floor and kill myself!" The second guy sees his lunch and curses, "Damnit, Rice cakes again?! If I get rice cakes tomorrow, I'm jumping of the 20th floor with you." The third guy sees his lunch and curses, "Damnit, PB&J again?! If I get a PB&J tomorrow, I'm jumping off the 20th floor with both of you guys." The next day, lunch time comes around and the three construction workers open their lunch boxes and sure enough. The first guy sees his Tuna fish sandwish, Stands up and says, "I've had it!! Good-bye, cruel world," and plunges to his death. The second guy sees his rice cakes, tosses his lunch aside and plunges to his death screaming, "Damn you, Margret!! I hate rice cakes!!" The third guy sees his PB&J, takes a bite, and follows suit, plunging to his death. At the funeral, the three widows were talking amongst themselves. The first widow spoke up. "If only I would have made him something else for lunch. I feel horrible. What will I do without him??" The second widow spoke. "I just thought they were good for him. Rice cakes are very healthy for you, so I thought I was helping him. How can I go on living without him??" The third widow saw the other two crying and said "Hey, don't look at me. He made his own lunches." -Josh
An elderly couple is having a conversation at the breakfast table, the woman asks the man what he going to do today. He states he's gonna go see the doctor to get some of those Viagra pills all his friends are talking about. The woman tells her husband to see if the doctor could work her into his schedule at the same time as his appointment. The man asks, why does she need to see the doctor and she replies, if you're gonna use that old rusty thing, I'm gonna need to get a new tetanus shot. :bla: :bla:
Things to ponder: Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Two elderly ladies are out in the garden pulling carrots, one of the girls yanks out a big one and says..This reminds me of my husband Johnny. The other lady turns and asks.. what that long?.. the other lady turns and replies..no ....that dirty.
WHY MEN DO NOT WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Lusk --------------------------------- Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter
:laugh: :laugh: My wife and I just had this conversation (...er....I mean about how men and women communicate differently....) k
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
