Thought I would start a joke thread as they say laughter is good medicine.Keep them clean though. These two young punks were driving through Alabama one afternoon in their Hemi powered Cuda and a Alabama state trooper spots them doing 45 miles per hour in a 35 mile an hour zone.He preceeds to pull them over and walks up to the drivers side and taps the window with his night stick.The kid rolls down the window and the trooper proceeds to knock him aside the head with his stick.The kid is stunned and says what the heck did you do that for.He says well when a Alabama trooper pulls you over you better have your licence and registration ready when the trooper gets to the car.He goes back to cruiser and returns and hands the kid a ticket.He walks to the other side of the car and taps on the passenger window and the kid reluctanyly rolls down his window.The trooper proceeds to bop him aside the head also,the fella is stunned and says now why the heck did you do that.The Trooper says well son I am just making your wish come true.The kid replies what what what do you mean.The trooper says when you and your buddy drive off and you get about a half mile down the road there you are going to turn to him and say I wish he would have tried that crap with me..........
The Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart, forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst in laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "Sorry, I was just thinking of my funeral. I'm a gynocologist" The proctologist fainted.
here's a little windoze joke Howdy Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS2006 Southern EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south. If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS2006, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels. Please also note: The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse" My Computer is called "ThisDernContraption" Dial Up Networking is called "GoodOl'Boys" Control Panel is known as "TheDashboard" Hard Drive is referred to as "4-WheelDrive" Floppies are "Themlittleol'plasticthangs" Instead of an error message, "DuctTape" pops up. CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Southern EDITION: Cancel............stopdat Reset..............try'er agin Yes...............yep No................nope Find...............hunt fer it Go to............over yonder Back...............back yonder Help..............hep me out here Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!) Start............crank'er up Settings..........settins Programs......... stuff at duz stuff Documents....... .stuff ah done did Also note that the Southern EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS2006: Tiperiter............a word processing program Colerin' Book.................a graphics program Cyferin' Mersheen...........calculator Outhouse Paper................notepad Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 6.0 Pitchers .......................a graphics viewer We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the Southern EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. >>>> I hope this helps y'all Git er done !!!!!!
Wipe your feet honey, I just cleaned my boat. A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65". The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?" The kid answered "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing". Mikey
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
THE OSTRICH A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.v8buick.com/ /><o></o>[/FONT] [FONT=A]</o> [FONT=/><o></o> <FONT face=]</o>[/FONT] $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the<o></o> exact change for payment.<o></o> <o></o> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A<o></o> hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."<o></o> Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.<o></o> <o></o> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the<o></o> waitress.<o></o> <o></o> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a<o></o> salad," sa ys the man. "Same," says the ostrich.<o></o> <o></o> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."<o></o> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places<o></o> it on the table.<o></o> <o></o> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.<o></o> How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket<o></o> every time?"<o></o> <o></o> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and<o></o> found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two<o></o> wishes.<o></o> <o></o> My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just<o></o> put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be<o></o> there."<o></o> <o></o> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a<o></o> million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want<o></o> for as long as you live!"<o></o> <o></o> That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact<o></o> money is always there ," says the man.<o></o> <o></o> The waitress asks, "What 's with the ostrich?"<o></o> <o></o> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick<o></o> with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, I hear?" And the best one of all... 12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?" Who says Alien Butt probes can't be fun?
Pilot Officer Olaf Svenson was a Free Norwegian flying in the RAF. After shooting down his fifth German plane, he was now an ace, and sent to make a morale boosting talk at a parachute factory. Standing on a table, he spoke to the crowd of women, all over 60, "Vell, my vingman and I ve vent out and I got two of the fokkers and my vingman, he got one. Den, ve vent out again, and I got three of the fokkers, and he got two." A little old lady in the front row asked, "Mr. Svenson, what type of aeroplanes were they?" Svenson replied, "Oh YA! Dem fokkers was Messerschmidt's."
Trucker's Meal A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... An auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!" FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN! p
Chelsea Clinton was interviewing this soldier that just got home from Iraq. After a few minutes of getting to know him, she finally asks the question that she has been wanting to ask the entire time. She says, "tell me sir, what three things do you fear the most?" "Oh, thats easy," replied the soldier. :idea2: The three things I fear the most are Osama, Obama, and yo mama. Chelsea fled the scene crying.
A rabbi, a priest, and a Baptist minister were at a convention, and got to talking about whose religion was best. As a test, they agreed to go into the woods and use their religion to tame a bear, meeting back the next day at the same place. The next day the priest and the Baptist were there, but the rabbi was nowhere to be found. The priest went first, saying "I went into the forest, and found a bear. I read the catechism to him, the bishop confirmed him, he accepted the host, and now he's as gentle as a lamb." The Baptist said, "I went into the woods and found brother bear. I bought the power of the Lord down upon him and he dropped to his knees, lifting his paws to heaven and confessing his sins. We spent the rest of the day in fellowship, and now he's as gentle as a lamb." About this time the rabbi appeared. He was a mess, covered with scratches and bites. His clothes were torn, he walked with a makeshift crutch. Both the priest and the Baptist asked what happened. The rabbi said, "I shouldn't have started with the circumsion..."
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor to find out what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants and the doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip,snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do Doc?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with great effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame.....gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven..............there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.......Was it heaven?? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted......the wonderous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth....seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shackingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table..when it was suddenly SMACKED with a spatula by his wife............... " STAY OUT OF THOSE," she said, " THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL!"
A guy was in a bar trying to pick up a lady sitting next to him using his tired old pick up lines. Having already downed a several drinks, the lady turned around, and looked at the guy straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
