At a regional teaching seminar the three Engineering school deans from UNC, NC State and Duke were gathered around talking about the respective programs, and what exciting things they were developing. The dean from NC State started with "right now we are designing the first spacecraft that will be able to go to Mars and back safely" The Duke professor counters with "Well right now we are building a spacecraft capable of landing on Jupiter". Not one to be outdone: the UNC dean chimes in "oh yeah well right now we're getting ready to launch the first manned spacecraft to land on the sun..so there!" Needless to say the other two are totally perplexed by this. "Are you crazy?" One says, "he'll burn up". The man replies "we already have that covered: we're gonna go at night!"
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the first guy says, 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.' The second guy says: 'That is nothing. I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.' The third guy says: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her....' They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. Whats the deal?' The fourth guy says: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Fishing or Sex?' She said: 'Wear sun-block
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop. " The young rooster laughs. "You know you dont stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by. He grabs his shotgun and -BOOM- he blows the young rooster to bits The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.... thats the third gay rooster I bought this month." Moral of this story? 1) You dont get old being a fool! 2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance! 3) Don't mess with us OLD TIMERS !
I'm not sure if this has been posted here before... An old bull and a young bull are sitting on a hill looking over a field of cows. The young bull says, "Hey, I have an idea. Lets run down there and a couple of those cows." The old bull looks at him and says, "I have a better idea. Lets walk down there and them all."
Fairy Tale: One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and bitch........ But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day. The End
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks." A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks." The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she became Governor, and now half the state is out looking for work." ou: :ball:
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
That's what I like: Thinking outside the box!:Brow: Two guys walk into a bar... The third one ducks.ou:
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'] Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless and so easy to see happening, customer service being how it is today. Anyone who has dealt with an estate will agree with this. A lady past away this past January and Citibank billed her for Feb and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0 and now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank, here is the exchange. Family member I am calling to tell you she died in January. Citibank The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply Family member maybe, you should turn it over to collections Citibank since it is 2 months past due it already has been family member so what will they do when they find out she is dead? Citibank wither report her to account frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both! family member do you think god will be mad at her? (I really liked this part) Citibank excuse me? family member did you just get what I was telling you? the part about her being dead? Citibank sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor (DUH) **supervisor gets on the phone family member I’m calling to tell you she died in January Citibank the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply (this must be a phrase taught by the bank) family member you mean you want to collect on her? Citibank (stammer) are you her lawyer family member no I’m her great nephew Citibank could you fax us a death certificate? family member sure **after they get the fax Citibank our system just isn't set up for death, I don't know what more I can do to help? family member well if you figure it out, great. If not you could just keep billing her I’m sure she won't care. Citibank well the late fees and charges do still apply (what is wrong with these people?) family member well would you like her new billing address? Citibank that might help family member Odessa memorial cemetery, Highway 129 Plot number 69 Citibank Sir, that's a cemetery!! family member Well what do you do with dead people on your planet?![/FONT]
Sad News With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. Shut up. You know it's funny. I stole that one from an e-mail. ou:
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Ricers are always funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgRJt1ENSoY&mode=related&search= Don't hit the brake next time.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE... George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!' (True Story)
