Where is that fat-ass screech owl? Here's a picture of my neighbors across the street. They don't say a damn thing. I am up here by myself enjoying pure silence. Life is good!
I got here at 5:15 a.m. this morning. The first thing I did was check the kitchen counters. There was not a crumb to find. I checked the dining room table. No crumbs there either. I checked the couch. No crumbs there either. I like this place.
Thank you for the invite Steve! I will most definitely visit you on the way home from the Nationals, and this time I will not have diarrhea! I can stay for hours without fearing something bad is going to happen inside my pants.
Good Evening crazy Buick Buddies! I'm sitting here, up in Virginia, all by myself. I cannot tell you how good it feels. No one to ask me questions, no one hacking away, and no one dropping crumbs all over the place. Last night I began reading this thread from page 1. First I would like to thank some of my sponsors. They are not really my sponsors, but they sure make me laugh and feel better about a bad day. I'm probably going to miss somebody's name and I apologize for that. The following people have made me laugh sooo hard, Jerry, Bill, Patrick, Fred, Rottweiler, electrified, Lucas, Thumper, Guy, and Briz. You guys, and I'm sure there are names I forgot, have made me laugh so hard through these trying times. I started reading the thread all over again last night for documentation. I can't believe this thread started January 17th 2016. That's crazy! I actually took notes about certain days when the beach drove me crazy. My wife is going to get a good talking-to when I get back home at the end of March. Things will change!!! I now have a date for the morning that the screech owl tried lighting my kitchen cabinets on fire with the toaster. February 13th 2018. I took all kinds of notes. I got to the end of page eight or nine last night and then suddenly noticed there was no 2019. What? I can only guess that's when OHCJoe and I had our shoulders operated on. I guess that thread overtook the penguin thread, or caused me not to write a penguin thread. I'm just sitting here enjoying a cold beer and laughing my ass off! Many many thanks for some of the most funny quotes I have ever heard. Thank you!
John I must say this penguin thread has brought me many moments of laughter and I enjoy reading the new updates. I am sorry that our amusement comes at the cost of your sanity and privacy invasion at your home but it really is good content. You should have your own reality show or something lol.
I wish I knew how to print this thread. There must be a way. JW, are you out there? Is there a way to print this thread. I'm going to make a book.
I went to this store today called Ollie's. I think it is an overstock store . I saw this gigantic box of Captain Crunch! I could not resist. It was only $3.49 for a double bag box! Time for dessert, and then I'm going to bed. What a blast this entire thread has been, and all the cool people that have joined in. It's probably not over, but it's getting close. I'm hoping next year it is only a chapter instead of a sequel. For the last 2 months I've been drinking way over a 12 pak a day! I know, pretty bad! The total for yesterday and today..... Six. I feel the stress draining from my brain. Ahhhhh!!!!! As Wild Bill would say, peace
PTSD... (the flat ass screech owl) I’m still up in Virginia enjoying peaceful solitude. This morning I decided I was going to turn some old VHS tapes into DVDs before the VHS tapes stop working. You won’t believe this... The first tape I put in the recorder was of Christmas 2001. Guess who was in the video? Oh yes, the flat ass screech owl. There she was hacking away like she does every morning. Of course she had something to say about every single present that was opened up. That bit** flat out didn’t stop talking through the entire tape. In one part of the tape I had gotten a new American flag to hang on my flagpole. Would you believe she tried singing the national anthem, and did about as good a job as Joe Biden reciting the bill of rights. Even though she didn’t remember all the words, she kept on singing. I started cursing nonstop. It got so bad I had to go outside while the tape was playing and have a cigarette! Now it is Christmas 2005. Unfortunately we are at the in-laws house in Cincinnati. The screech owl did not have a flat ass then. She had a gigantic BIG ass! I never realized over the past several years that I have come to hate her so much. Part two... I had told you all that the weekend before I left for Virginia the hyena and retard Joe were coming to pick them up. Retard Joe kept calling me last week. I didn’t answer the phone. I lied, and texted him that I was sick in bed, and didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. I finally answered the phone yesterday. It was funny as hell what he said to me. “Uncle John, I really missed seeing you when I came down to Florida. I understand why you left though.” Then he told me, “Driving Dick and Jane back home to Cincinnati was terrible. She did not shut up the entire way. Now I know why you left.” I laughed and told him, Joe, you don’t know the half of it.
Today will be much better. There is not a cloud in the sky, it will be 55°, and very little breeze. A couple of my beer drinking buddies and I are going to go to the dirt track and watch opening day for the racers. It’s really more like a test and tune for dirt track cars so they can tune their cars in after working on them all winter long. It will be a good time. Hope you all have a great weekend!
Oh sh*t! I'm here again. I'm back for two different reasons. First, I hate it when you read a book, watch a movie, or hear a story, but there is no ending. So, I figured I'd close the chapter on this season's penguin sighting. Second, my good buddy Lucas, AKA 1972Mach1, has way more "likes" than I do. That pisses me off! (Not at all) He has more likes than anybody!!! He MUST be very likeable. > Now, back to our feature story... I didn't end the story because I ran away. That doesn't bother me either. It was soooo nice and quiet up in Virginia. I thought I went up for a little longer than a week. I ended up staying there for the entire month. Sweet!!! One day, after the penguins left, I called my wife. We're chit chatting along and I asked her what she was doing. She told me, "Cleaning the house." I was nice. I just left it alone, but deep down inside I was busting a gut. My wife is a lousy cleaner! If you need to wear reading glasses then you should use them when you clean!!! My wife doesn't. After I got off of the phone with her I made a pact with myself. As soon as I get home I'm going to lift up the toaster oven, and the microwave, to check for crumbs. The toaster, the bagel crumb making toaster, sits right between the 2 appliances. I got home March 31st. around 4:30 AM. My wife came out of the porch door right at 6:30 AM to go to work. We hugged, we talked, but I couldn't wait for her to leave so I could go check under those 2 appliances. BINGO!!! There were crumbs under them. Oh boy, I've got a lot of work ahead of me in the next few days. The next day I started cleaning the kitchen.
This is what I found, with my reading glasses on. 1. Crumbs all over the stove, and the grease from "Freaky guys" daily fried hamburger patty. 2. Splatter on the inside of the microwave door, along with buttery finger slime. Thanks Flatass screech owl!!! 3. Crumbs in the sponge from just one counter top wipe. 4. The toaster. My arch nemesis! I HATE what it does to my house when a certain person uses it! You can see where my wife gave it a quick wipe with a wet sponge. It was filled with crumbs!!! I washed the hell out of the outside of it!!! 5. I found this in the breadbox. Really??? I remember when my wife brought these home in very late February just so her mom and dad could drop crumbs all through the house!!! Someone put a half eaten donut back in the box??? Good grief! 6. Blobs of hair under a dining room chair??? Really! I know it's not mine. I'm dam near bald. 7. Just cracks me up the stuff my wife buys for them even after I bit*h on an almost daily basis. "8 Crumb Topped Donuts." ENABLER!!!!!
So April 1st I started cleaning the kitchen. I washed the stove from top to bottom, including the removal of the burner knobs for a good de-greasing. I cleaned the big counter top. I moved the microwave, toaster oven, and toaster. I cleaned them spotless. I cleaned the bread boxes, AKA snack holders. I cleaned everything. I was happy!!! In the afternoon I went to my buddy's house and drank beer. The next day.... I vacuumed, then I washed ALL the floors on my hands and knees. I am an expert at figuring out whether something squished into the floor was a meat product, starch, or vegetable. When I was finished I was VERY happy. MY wood floors were very shiny! (I personally think the funk smell in the house was the food on the floor!) The floors were noticeably cleaner. My wife noticed. She said, "What did you do to the floors?" I said, "I washed them." She was mad cause she spent hours waxing them. I told her, "Yes, you waxed the food right into the floor!" I left and drank beer at my buddy's.
As the month is progressing... I notice my wife has the same tendencies as her parents. The lid on the kitchen trash can is always open. Lots of crumbs on the stove. Bowls and silverware in the sink, instead of the dishwasher. Oh well, her parents are gone and life is back to normal. I have a pretty much clean house, no one to talk to me all day, no one to get in my way all day, and.... We had family dinner with my son's and their wives last Monday. We do every Monday. There was NO TV on, NO crazy flatass screech owl yelling letters at the TV during Jeopardy, and we ALL talked and laughed for hours. Life is GOOD!!!!!!!!!! PS, don't forget to like me on V8buick.com, Twitter, and Facebook. Again, a great BIG THANK YOU to all the people out there that make me laugh during a crazy time in my life!!!!!! John PSS... Oh sh*t!!!! I just got an alert. I'll bet it's a LIKE!!!! I'm going to beat you Lucas!!! 2 Likes!!! They are coming!!!!!
I know, I know Mrolds69. I woke up this morning and immediately re-read my posts. Yes, I sure did double post. (I deleted the post with the least amount of "likes".) I guess even though it's been over a month since the birds flew the coop, they still stress me. Yesterday I was driving around with my son. We pulled in a gas station and Alex says, "Look, there's grandma." I looked and sure enough, there was the screech owls twin sister. Just seeing that flatass, grey haired lady sent chills up my spine! I'm telling you, PTSD from the in-laws!
No matter how down I may be feeling, (which is rare these days) reading a few of John's posts and comments elicits a chuckle or three. The thought of a screech owl assaulting my aural canals is something to be avoided at all costs. Oh yeah, added a few likes to move you up the ranks.
