I Wonder......... I was wondering...........When do men get the chance to growl and bark and be unreasonable at their spouse each month...............I wonder Do you think We could get away with it?.........I wonder...........
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding. The blonde female cop comes up to the car and asks for the her driver license. The blond digs in her purse and tell the cop she can't find anything like that and asks what it looks like. The cop says it has a photo of you on it. So the blonde digs some more and come across a mirror , she sees her face in it and hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it and gets kind of huffy with the blonde and tells her....."Now why didn't you tell me you were a cop to begin with!!" How do you keep a blonde from going to work??? put in a circle drive.
A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of the Christ, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died. While on vacation together with the family, his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for $500. The man says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." owen
A woman goes up to her husband and asked him if he could fix the light in the hall way. He tells her he is busy watching the game, plus does it look like I have GE written on my forehead!?! So she stomps off. She comes up to her husband again and asks if he could fix the fridge door, because it is about to fall off. Again "I'm busy watching the game, besides does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead!?!" So she stomps off again. A little later she askes him if he could fix the steps out front because they are going to fall down. At this point he is iritated at his wife "Woman I told you I was busy watching the game, plus does it look like Ace Hardware is written on my forehead!?!" "I can't take this anymore I'm going to watch the game at the bar" He is at the Bar and he starts to feel pretty bad about how he treated his wife and that he really should fix those things. So he decides to go home. When he gets home he notices the stairs were not falling down anymore. While walking down the hall he noticed the light was fix. When he got a beer out of the fridge he found that the door wasn't falling off. Puzzled he found his wife and asked if she had fixed everything. She said "No". Wondering how it all got done he asked his wife. "Well, after you left I sat on the front porch crying. A young man happen to walk by and ask what was wrong. He said that he would fix everything and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake." So the husband asked his wife with a confident smile "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied with "Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead!!"
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her._ In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God...if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed. And just like that.... _ .....Her ears fell off
EVEN BETTER_ A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than _the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to _give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a _ticket. _So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the _officer asks. _"Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a_last _name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. _The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along_with it. _"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" _The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred _Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all_the _time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I _got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through _college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree _so I_was Fred Dingaling, MD. _After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to _school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through_school, got my _degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD DDS. _Got bored doing_ dentistry so I started fooling around with my _assistant. She gave me VD. _So, I_ was Fred Dingaling MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about _the VD so they took away my DDS. So I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. _Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because _of_the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. _Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm_just Fred." The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the ticket.
good ones. Hillary dies and goes to heaven. Where she is greeted by St. Peter. As Peter is showing her around the place they come to a room full of clocks with mens names on them. Hillary asks "What's the deal with all the clocks?" Peter tells her"There is a clock for every man in the world, and when they tell a lie it moves one min." Hillary wanting to know where Bill's was she asks St. Peter where it could be found. St. Peter tells her "Oh yeah, we had is moved to the ceiling, we now use it as a fan!"
Two blondes are walking on the beach when they come across something shiny in the sand. It turns out to be a mirror. The one blonde picks it up and looks at it. She tells the other blonde "Man, This face looks really familiar, but I don't know who it is" So the other blonde asks to take a look at it. After staring at it for a few mins she figures it out and tell the other blonde "You idiot, it's a picture of me!"
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "a$$." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, ttumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room &shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios."
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
One windy spring day, a man was out in back of his house trying to fly a kite. He would run at top speed trying to get the kite airbourne, but could not get it to fly higher than 20 feet. Time after time he would run across the back yard with the kite in tow, only to see it come crashing to the ground from this low altitude. The man's wife, who had been watching from the back door for about a half hour, opened the door and yelled "You need more tail". Frustrated the man yelled in return, "I told you that last night, and you told me to go fly a kite".
>A MAN WALKS UP TO A WOMAN IN HIS OFFICE EACH DAY, > > > > > >STANDS VERY CLOSE TO HER, > > > > > >DRAWS IN A LARGE BREATH AND TELLS HER THAT HER HAIR SMELLS NICE. > > > > > >AFTER A WEEK OF THIS, SHE CANT STAND IT ANY LONGER, GOES TO "HR". > > > > > >SHE TELLS THEM WHAT THE CO-WORKER DOES, AND SHE WANTS TO FILE A SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT AGAINST HIM. > > > > > >THE HR SUPERVISOR IS PUZZLED BY HER APPROACH, AND ASKS, > > > > >"WHAT'S SEXUALLY THREATENING ABOUT A CO-WORKER TELLING YOU YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE" > > > > > >THE WOMAN REPLIES, > > > > > >""" ITS KEITH, THE DWARF
A cheeseburger walks into a bar and says: "Hey bartender give me a beer"._ The bartender says: "I'm sorry we don't serve food here". - Freed
from www.bobandtom.com. a radio show out of syracuse A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night." The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp." "And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man. "No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that #@*! eating grin off your face." - Submitted by Tim Kelly Thursday, July 22, 2004 Q: Why did God invent Economists? A: To make the weathermen look good. - Submitted by David Nudo Wednesday, July 21, 2004 A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..." I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. "Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'" - Submitted by Rick Faulkner Tuesday, July 20, 2004 A man storms into a bar and sits down at a table and starts swearing furiously. "Whats wrong?" asks the bartender. "Man, lawyers are assbags!" says the man. Suddenly a man in the back stands up and says "Hey, I take offense to that!" The man asks "What, are you a lawyer?" and the man in the back responds "No, im an assbag!" - Submitted by Dan Swayer Monday, July 19, 2004 Bad Joke Friday Q - Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund? A - Someone told him " to get a long little doggie." - Submitted by Larry Jones Friday, July 16, 2004 A 83 year old woman, who had been alone and sick for most of her life, decided she'd had enough and to end her misery. She thought and thought and decided the best way to do it would be to shot herself in the heart. She wasn't quite sure where her heart was exactly located so she phoned her doctor and asked. "Why, it's 2 inches below your left nipple" he told her. The old lady thanked him, hung up the phone, loaded the gun and promptly shot herself in her kneecap. - Submitted by Brandi from Bangor Maine Thursday, July 15, 2004 When Suzanne arrived home from work she was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash Suzanne ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!" - Submitted by Mark Sumonka Wednesday, July 14, 2004 As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office." - Submitted by Barry Teter Tuesday, July 13, 2004 A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asked. He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' " She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished." - Submitted by Kelly Martin Monday, July 12, 2004 The American wrestler was facing the world-champion Russian wrestler for the first time. The American coach gave his man one piece of advice, Whatever you do, dont let him get you in his famous pretzel hold. Sure enough, soon after the match started the Russian put the pretzel hold on the American. The coach couldnt bear to watch so he turned away. Seconds later he heard the match end and looked back in surprise to see the referee holding up the Americans hand. Amazed, the coach asked his man what happened. The wrestler said, When things seemed hopeless I looked up and saw a pair of balls hanging right in front of my face, so I just bit into them. The coach said, So that made the Russian let go? Not exactly, the wrestler answered, but youd be amazed how much energy you get when you bite your own balls! - Submitted by Pat Lennon Friday, July 9, 2004 A 98 year old man goes to a new Doctor for a checkup. After examining him, the Doc says " you are the most healthy man I have ever seen. Normally I wouldn't ask this of someone your age, but I'd like to get a sperm sample." The old man agrees, and takes the specimen jar home. He returns the next day, and with his head hung down, hands the still empty jar to the Doctor. "What happened?", the doc asks. "Tell you the truth doc", says the old timer, "I did my best. I tried it with both hands, I had my wife use her hands, Hell, we even had the beautiful young blond from next door come over and use her hands, but it was just no use... We just couldn't get the damn lid off the jar! - Submitted by Larry Stonecipher Thursday, July 8, 2004 A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son." The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son." Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!" - Submitted by Tim Ostrander Wednesday, July 7, 2004
