Funny stuff from before every joke had a 4 letter word in it: 1."I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; Bring a friend, if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. "Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. 2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." 3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr 4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow 5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). 6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas 7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain 8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde 9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop 10. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright 11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb 12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson 13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating 14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand 15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker 16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain 17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West 18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde 19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) 20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder 21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx. 22. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill 23. Lady Astor to Churchill: “If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee.” Churchill: “If I were married to you, I'd drink it.” 24. “If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he needs so sorely, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House yard come Wednesday.” - H.L. Mencken on Franklin Roosevelt 25. “People always ask me the same question. They say, ‘Is Boris a very very clever man pretending to be an idiot?’ And I always say, ‘No.'” - Ian Hislop on Boris Johnson
I just read a story on CBC news. It seems that wild turkeys are moving into Montreal, and how to live with them. I looked at my wife and said Dear Lord, we thank you for this meal you have provided......
