I'm tired. Please forgive the following. Watching television these days, I often wonder what happened to the "vertical hold" knob. I miss that. There's a store near my house that advertises "Unfinished Furniture." I must go in there. I'm looking for a nice three legged table. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. Electricity is really just organized lightening. I've noticed that my flax bill is just about right. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions. I need to find a new proctologist. Mine has very poor depth perception. I have no use for a pimp that drives an Escort. Did you ever look at your watch and immediately forget the time, so you look again? And it still doesn't register, so you have to look a third time. And then someone asks you what time it is, and you actually have to look at your watch for the fourth time in three minutes? Don't you feel stupid? You rarely see one oat by itself. People often say, "That's a fine how-do-you-do," when deep in their hearts they know it's really only a fairly good how-do-you-do. Have you ever noticed that when you look in the top drawer of someone's desk there are always a few pennies inthe pencil tray? I take them. The pope wears loafers. I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only a small part of hell will break loose and be harder to detect. I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I can pull some strings and find out. When people say "clean as a whistle," they forget that a whistle is full of spit. I wonder if my cats ever think, "I could sure do with a nice rat." I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary. Have you ever noticed that the escalator handrail and the escalator itself do not move at the same speed? One thing nice about being dead is that you immediately become eligible to appear on stamps and money. This is just one more way of starting a sentence with the word "this" and ending it with the word "that." I saw a cross eyed nun with a whip and a bottle of gin. That scared me! I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. .backwards sentences say to used I !crap Oh !again go I There I never bite my nails. I consider it a health risk. I twist my nails off with pliers and burn away any excess tissue with a cigarette lighter. In some hotels, they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time, I sewed a button to a lamp shade. I like to leave a mark. Peg Leg Bates's wife is one person who never had to wait for the other shoe to drop. Suggested Bumper Sticker: We Are the Proud Parents of a Child Whose Self-Esteem is Sufficient that He Doesn't Need Us Advertising His Minor Scholastic Achievements on the Bumper of Our Car. And finally: As you swim through the river of life, do the breast stroke. It clears the turds from your path. o No: ou:
