Artery--The study of paintings. Bacteria--Back door to cafeteria. Barium--What doctors do when patients die. Benign--What you be after you be eight. Catscan--Searching for Kitty. Cauterize--Made eye contact with her. Cesarean Section--A neighborhood in Rome. Colic--A sheep dog. Coma--A punctuation mark. D&C--Where Washington is. Dilate--To live long. Enema--Not a friend. Fester--Quicker than someone else. Fibula--A small lie. Genital--Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series--World Series of military baseball. Hangnail--What you hang your coat on. Impotent--Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain--Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff--A Doctor's cane. Morbid--A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates--Cheaper than day rates. Node--I knew it. Outpatient--A person who has fainted. Ovaries--You get to try again. Pap Smear--A fatherhood test. Pelvis--Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative--A letter carrier. Recovery Room--Place to do upholstery. Rectum--Pretty near killed him. Secretion--Hiding something. Seizure--Roman emperor. Tablet--A small table. Terminal Illness--Getting sick at the airport. Tumor--More than one. Urine--Opposite of you're out. Varicose--Near by/close by. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ONLY IN AMERICA Only in America......do drugstores make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER .... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, > > decided they should go to college so they could get > > ahead. Bubba went in first, and the professor advises > > him to take Math, History, and Logic. > > > > What's Logic?" Bubba asked. > > > > "Well, let me give you an example," said the > > professor. > > > > "Do you own a weed-eater?" > > > > "Sure do," the redneck responded. > > > > "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a > > yard," the professor went on. "That's real good," said > > the redneck, in awe. > > > > "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you > > also have a house. Is that right?" > > > > "GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted. > > > > "And since you own a house and a house is tough to > > take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have > > a wife... right?" > > > > "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on > > now. > > > > "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can > > assume you are heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is > > that right?" > > > > "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most > > fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to > > take this here logic class!" > > > > > > > > Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks > > back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. > > > > "So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks. > > > > "Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba. > > > > "What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter. > > > > "Let me give you an example," Bubba says. > > > > "Do you own a weed-eater?" > > > > "No." says Cooter > > > > "You're queer, aintcha?" > >
