Hey all, I think what I am about to say will sound fairly lame, but.... I had to ask my girlfriend to leave last week because I found out she had been less than honest with me about something last fall, as well as a few other things.....to make matters worse, she begged and pleaded and said she would do "anything" to "fix things".....Well, there really wasn't anything immediate that could be done to fix things, it will take time if anything, however, I thought about it and thought about it so I finally said "OK, you say you will do anything , so hand over all your smokes right now, even the hidden ones you don't think I know about in the jeep, and don't leave my sight for 2 weeks, go cold turkey.." I did this figuring she said "anything" and if I got her to do something that in the end was actually "good" for her, then I wasn't being a complete jerk, even thought I was severly hurt. Well, guess what ? She chose SMOKING over me....said no way she was gonna do that, so she left....about an hour later the begging started again over the phone , then online..... So I am left wondering what to do here, she LIED to me, then chose SMOKING over me...NOW she thinks she can have a "do-over" and its all suppose to be "OK'. I'm totally lost here. I can be true to myself and say get lost, or I can be charitable and give her another chance, possibly having a good life.. I am asking the almighty for strength and wisdom here, because I have never made a good relationship decision my whole 40 years, and now being 18 months sober I didn't think I was going to have to make major life decisions this soon...the anxiety level is getting up there, so I ask for prayers for strength to stay sane through this, and to make the right decision.
You're the same age as me and my opinion on this subject goes like this. There's no reason why you need to be unhappy or stressed over this subject. She said, "hell no" to you over a pack of cigarettes and betrayed you, as well! You're not a 20 year old anymore and it's time you lived your life under your rules. There are plenty of women in the world, in your city for that matter, and you don't need to waste another nights sleep over one. You say you never made a right decision in a relationship your life, well, I guess today is your day to do so. She'll keep hounding you so stay strong. Focus on what makes you happy, family, cars, etc, and you'll get through it just fine. It's all about making you happy, not someone who gives you stress. That goes for just about anything in life. Lifes to short to live that way. Turn over a new leaf. That'll be $500, thank you.:idea2:
Asking someone to make a choice like that is a difficult pill to swallow. On top of the fact that cigarettes are very addictive. Going cold turkey is not as simple as it sounds. Sure, to a non smoker it is cause youre not addicted. Instead of giving an ultimatum, try to help her stop smoking, but not by MAKING her go cold turkey. It doesn't happen overnight. They say it takes the average smoker 7-10 tries before they really quit. I have been struggling with it for a couple years now. There are many smoking cessation groups and websites that offer helpful advise, tips and tools to help people stop. If you have never had an addiction before, you don't really know how hard it is. If you have, and you overcame it...more power to you, but don't assume everyone can do it as easily as you. Many people want to quit but the physical part of the addiction keeps them from doing it. Remember, compromise is the foundation of any relationship. If she told you you had to give up your Buicks or she would leave, how would you feel?
Life is short and plenty of women out there. Just have a good time for a while and it may give you more perspective on life. With her you will always have doubts. Not worth living with that. Spring is here jsut check out the babes and hit on as many as possible.:TU:
giving up smoking aint easy,ive quit 20-25 timesou: someday i WILL win:TU: if thats your only problem with her(doesnt sound like it),give her a break & talk it out.you got sober,are you judging her because you think your a stronger person? i was sober for 14 months,guess what,i chose to drink again.you might also,today, tomorrow,a year,5 years.if you have feelings for her,try again:TU: good luck
Gary, It's obvious you are a deeply caring person. If she was as deeply caring about you, there would be absolutely nothing to hide. The choice is very easy actually. You can both accept each other for who you both are, or not. If only one accepts the other, then it will never work out. When unfaithfulness enters in on either side, whether it's cheating on you, or not being honest about who you are, to me, they are one in the same. Your heart is in the right place and you'll be fine. Adversity is part of life. The successful people (both physically and spiritually) grow from adversity and the unsuccessful succumb to it. You have support here and especially from above. :TU:
Did you ever wonder if you asked her to quit smoking cold turkey because you knew she couldn't do it? That would make your decision to stick with your original request that she leave a heck of alot easier? As mentioned in another post, it's an addiction. If my husband gave me that ultimatum, I can't say I'd be able to do it. Wouldn't be because I didn't love him but that quitting smoking is not easy. Sounds like you should go with your gut and move on.....IMO
Thank you for all the input and SUPPORT...last few days have been a whirlwind..you have allgiven me a lot to think about, many of you have brought up many of the same points I keep bringing up inside...this isn't easy...when I was a "kid" [ under 30 ] it all seemed so much easier and I thought by the time I got older it would be even easier....well, its not. She actually has gone 4 days now without smoking [according to her, I have no way of knowing] and yes the begging and pleading continues...but so does the surfacing of more lies and deceit , got into all 3 of her email accounts [ I run an ISP, I employ self proclaimed "computer geeks" , I pick up lots of tricks from them ] NOT good. Seems if she didn't cheat she sure as "heck" made sure she had plenty of opportunities with strangers...some sort of "ego building dissorder" according to her councillor..sounds like plain ol "run around sue" to me......Yes I overcame an addiction, and it wasn't easy. Drinking was my longest relationship, to give it up was giving up something I really really enjoyed, unfortunately it became ALL I did after a while..so it had to go. But had a relationship been on the line that I cared about, it would be a no brainer. My logic tells me to run hard and fast, my emotions keep thinking I should have a heart, but my hurt tells me I have been stepped on too much......I guess it was all so much easier when I could go "drink at her" or whatever. I had a girlfriend in the past tell me get rid of a bunch of the cars [Buicks included ] or we didn't have a chance.....I informed her that the cars were there BEFORE her, and most likely they would be there AFTER her.....and that if that was going to be the decisive factor that no we really DIDN'T have a chance......I know I have too many cars, too many projects, too big a mess...HOWEVER, I have NEVER made the cars more important than people [ at least I have not let them KNOW it ] and I truly feel I have never HURT anyone with my all incompassing automotive hobby....maybe I have and I do not know it , not sure, if so it was purely unintentional... Hell of it is this girlfriend knew about the cars up front, accepted it, and even participated in the car thing.... I have no idea why a 5'6 105 lb woman with great looks and long brunette hair down her back NEEDS to flirt/cheat/prepare to cheat/whatever to build her ego..I mean holy " ***" all she has to do is listen to me to know how she looks or how I feel about her, or watch EVERY OTHER GUY look at her whenever she is in a store.....one would think THAT would be ego builder enough....dunno, can't judge I guess , everybodys different, EVERYBODY has issues now that I'm older... I just hope I can let God run the show here and not drive the bus myself this time, seems when I do I run over someone with said bus, usually myself !
ummmmm....are you a bit paraniod,checking up on her on the computer is rather harsh.but then again,what you found out is bad:error: talk it out,dont give up if you LOVE her,all souls can be saved:TU:
AND in retrospect, throwing the smoking issue into the mix wasn't a great idea, in fact I think I just made matters worse.I should have stuck to the main issue at hand: dishonesty and possible unfaithfulness. Seems she is taking care of the smoking issue all on her own......
Relationships are never easy because the two most important factors are human beings, and Lord knows none of us is perfect. Funny, we all get to a point where we think because we're older we're better able to deal with everything - HA! The joke is on us! The stuff we deal with is different, but ultimately just as important. Maybe you both should take some time to let things settle down. Dealing with anything when your feelings are so raw might not be the best thing to do. The tendency to lash out because you're hurting is still very much in the forefront. You both need to take that step back. You'll know whether it's right for you to get back together. And then you'll both have to start from the beginning....some couples can do that and are stronger for it. Others never get past the missing trust, and they end up making each other pay in little ways day after day until you're just co-habitating. The pain that causes for everyone involved just isn't worth it.... You have lots to think about...just take your time and follow your gut instinct. You'll be OK....
Still not looking good, I'm praying hard for wisdom and strength....just not finding the right answer.......ray:
It's a dreary, rainy, cold day in Chicago. A very good day to stay in, keep dry and do some thinking. So, for whatever reason, I got to wondering how you were doing...Hopefully, you're able to find a little more strength today than yesterday, and tomorrow will bring a little more. Be patient with yourself, my friend....
Gary, Speaking as someone who was in a similar not exactly the same situation, I know it's hard to think what you'll do without her, I went thru it, i worked 4 side jobs in addition to my regular job, made lotsa money and kept my mind off the person, but it gets OLd fast and isnt good for your health. once i was completely burnt out working, i dated for about 3 years, I told myself i wasnt going to settle and i didnt, Well, april of last year i met my fiancee, She is and always be the best thing thats ever happened to me. You might find it hard to move on NOW but when u find the RIGHT one you'll be GLAD you did. Goodluck it WILL get easier.
Gary, keep praying God will answer you. It's important though to have some quiet time to feel His presence and listen....
Gary I feel for you. I was married and also lied too. She said he was a friend from work when I caught her in 2 lies about were she went. Well she is married to her friend now but would still call me. I thought at the time I was losing my soul mate because we liked all the same things and thought alike. It took about a year and I figured out I thought I wasn't happy but I was always walking on egg shells as not to upset her. It turns out I tried to figure out why I was married to her. She was also a good looking gal and needed to hear it all the time. You will find somebody that understands you and accepts you. I think its more important that you meet somebody you can sit and talk with. People dont get better looking the older they get so make sure its more than looks. Be strong, focus on you and your cars and live like you want because we only get one chance in this world. I am 42 now and enjoy my cars with a girlfriend that likes them too. She use to smoke alot but quit when I said I like you but it bothers me that you smoke. Give it time and it will come to you. Its hard to break off talking to her but it would be better. I wish you well.
Just an observation but this theme is repeated in your posts. "Be charitable", "have a heart". Sounds like you'd be doing it for her if you took her back. Again, this just jumped out at me. Something to think about.
I looked up Eddington, ME. Central Maine is a very difficult place to be. The economy is terrible, and the people are very -- oh I can't say it -- I am in your area all the time, and my advice to you is move away. Are you a native with deep roots or a new arrival? I would NEVER live there. Get out if you can (as everyone does if they can). Good Luck.
Unfortunately you are correct about the area, however, I do have very deep roots here, lived here my whole life with the exception of Washington D.C. for a short period of time and several "stints" in Florida that didn't pan out either. The economy is terrible here, no question. I do as well as I do because I had grandparents and parents that thought enough of me to leave me a 100 acre farm and farmhouse free and clear, its been in the family since 1938 [ lotsa room for Buicks ] I have a 12 year old son here as well, and try as I may, try as I might, I cannot imagine my life without seeing him weekends, to move away from here would be to move away from HIM, and I cannot do it, do not want to anymore either, running away is not an answer. Home is where you make it, I have an OK life here. If I had left years ago it might have been a different story, but I am resigned to my fate , and its a pretty good life over all. Still seeking a LOT of guidence from above, she has another "crisis" and once again I have been called apon.....not sure just where its all going but the one person I have to answer to is myself, and there are certain things I can do and certain things I cannot do, but I have to live with myself...so I have to be true to myself, even if its not what others would have me do .....very confusing....
This seems to be slightly off the subject. I apologize. I understand. As you know, the vast majority of residents of Maine have deep roots as you do. My only advice would be to try your best to be as involved in your son's life as you can be. As he gets into high school, the influences he will experience will be many, and sadly, the majority of the people with whom he will interact will do him no good. If you can, be firm and set strict boundries and make his mother enforce them. Sports are great, but there, unlike some other places, even sports don't offer enough positives to keep kids away from the 'dark side'. Trust me on this- I'm speaking from experience. I have 3 kids in the area (Lincoln Academy). 2 of them will be OK, but my daughter (17), who was always a good girl, met some girl in class this last fall and she knew a guy- an older, really bad guy- and *POOF*! I kid you not, my daughter became a different person. I NEVER thought it could happen to me, and it breaks my heart. I'm just guessing, but I can't help but think that if I was there I could have helped.
