1. Did you notice several years ago everything got different. 2. I never read memoirs; the last thing I need is someone else's memories. I have all I can do to deal with my own. 3. It takes two scales to find out how much one scale weighs. 4. In this era of "maxi", "mega", " and "meta", you know what we don't have any more? "Super-duper". I miss that. 5. Forget whole grain cereal. When I want fiber, I eat some wicker furniture. 6. Suggestions I ignore: "Greg, you go out and draw their fire. I'll sneak up on them from behind." 7. I think doctors, who must always remain emotionally detached, should be accompanied on their hospital rounds by peasant women from the Middle East. The ones who cry and wail and throw themselves on coffins at those terroist funerals you see on television. Just for balance. 8. The only thing high definition TV will do is provide sharper images of the garbage that is on TV these days. 9. Have you noticed that some companies now call their menial employees "associates"? They're trying to make them feel better in spite of subsistence salaries. "Associates" is a very slippery job title. Don't be fooled by it. 10. There are patriotic vegetarians in the American Legion who will only eat animals that were killed in combat. 11. Peg Leg Bates Jr.'s sole ambition was to follow in his father's footstep. 12. When I was a kid, I remember saying, "Cross my heart and hope to die." I'd like to confess now that I never really meant the second part. 13. You don't hear a lot from imps anymore. 14. I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen. 15. The phrase "digging up dirt" seems wrong. If you use a shovel correctly, the very first time you stick it in the ground the thing you come up with is dirt. The dirt is right there on top. It doesn't have to be "dug up." 16. Don't you think it's funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse? 17. I wonder: On rainy nights, does the sandman send the mudman? 18. Christian deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell" 19. Lou Gehrig was a pretty tough guy, but I wonder how he handled it when they told him he had Lou Gehrig's disease 20. Most people don't know what they are doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. 21. Sea World should have a special aquarium that features fish sticks. 22. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints? 23. Have you noticed that when you wear a hat for a long time, it feels like it isn't there anymore? And when you take the hat off, it feels like it's still there? What is that? 24. I can never decide if "what's-his-name" should be capitalized. 25. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. 26. When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot's hands. 27. You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Janet Reno and Yanni. 28. When they print the years of someone's birth and death, can you resist figuring out how old they were? 29. If a centipede wants to kick another centipede in the shins, does he do it one leg at a time? Or does he just stand on fifty of his legs and kick with the other fifty? 30. Spots are dots up close. Dots are spots far away. 31. Why is it a pile of dirty clothes called "the laundry"? "I'm about to do the laundry." And when it comes out of the machine, it's still called "the laundry"? "I just did the laundry." What's the deal here? Is laundry clean or dirty? 32. I think Kleenex ought to put a little bull's eye in the middle of the tissue. Wouldn't that be great? Especially when you're hanging out with your buddies: (KNNERRFFF! SNGOOTT) "Look, Eric, an 85!" 33. Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. 34. What exactly is a 'wingding'? 35. When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. 36. Have you noticed that in the movies lately a popular thing to do is stick someone's head in the toilet and flush the toilet repeatedly? Where did that come from? They never used to do that. You never saw Spencer Tracy stick Henry Fonda's head in the toilet. Maybe Katherine Hepburn's, but not Henry Fonda's. 37. A stone's throw is much farther than a hop, skip, and a jump, but it's not nearly as far as a whoop, a holler, and a stomp. 38. Why do they call one sport "Women's Tennis", and then turn around and call the other one "Ladies Golf"? 39. If a movie is described as 'a romantic comedy', you can usually find me next door playing pinball. This thread should prove the last statement here. 40. Regarding "safe and sound": I've often been safe, but seldom have I been thought of as 'sound'. :shock: :laugh: :Brow: o No:
