It's Funny Because It's True

Discussion in 'The Bench' started by KEN COTRONA, Jan 21, 2003.

  1. KEN COTRONA

    KEN COTRONA Well-Known Member

    FROM THE ONION.
    http://www.theonion.com


    FAYETTEVILLE, ARCraig Schaffner, 46, a Fayetteville-area computer consultant, has earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic reluctance to embrace the unverifiable, sources reported Monday.


    Above: The tragically skeptical Schaffner.
    "I honestly feel sorry for the guy," said neighbor Michael Eddy, 54, a born-again Christian. "To live in this world not believing in a higher power, doubting that Christ died for our sinsthat's such a sad, cynical way to live. I don't know how he gets through his day."

    Coworker Donald Cobb, who spends roughly 20 percent of his annual income on telephone psychics and tarot-card readings, similarly extended his compassion for Schaffner.

    "Craig is a really great guy," Cobb said. "It's just too bad he's chosen to cut himself off from the world of the paranormal, restricting himself to the limited universe of what can be seen and heard and verified through empirical evidence."

    Also feeling pity for Schaffner is his former girlfriend Aimee Brand, a holistic and homeopathic healer who earns a living selling tonics and medicines diluted to one molecule per gallon in the belief that the water "remembers" the curative properties of the medication.

    "Don't get me wronglogic and reason have their place," Brand said. "But Craig fails to recognize the danger of going too far with medical common sense to the exclusion of alternative New Age remedies like chakra cleansing and energy-field realignment."

    Eddy said he has tried repeatedly to pull Schaffner back from the precipice of lucidity.

    "I admit, science might be great for curing diseases, exploring space, cataloguing the natural phenomena of our world, saving endangered species, extending the human lifespan, and enriching the quality of that life," Eddy said. "But at the end of the day, science has nothing to tell us about the human soul, and that's a critical thing Craig is missing. I would hate for his soul to be lost forever because of a stubborn doubt over the actual existence and nature of that soul."

    Gina Hitchens, a lifelong astrology devotee, blamed Schaffner's lack of faith on an accident of birth.

    "Craig can't entirely help himself, being a Gemini," Hitchens said. "Geminis are always very skeptical and destined to feel pain throughout life as a result of their closed-mindedness. If you try to introduce Craig to anything even remotely made-up, he starts going off about 'evidence this' and 'proof that.' If only the poor man were open-minded enough to stop attacking everything with his brain and just once look into his heart, he'd find all the proof he needed. But, sadly, he's unable to let even a little bit of imagination drive his core beliefs."

    Perhaps the person who pities Schaffner most is his brother Frank, a practicing Scientologist since 1991.

    "It's bad enough when someone has the ignorance to reject Dianetics in spite of its tremendous popularity," Frank said. "But Craig isn't even willing to try a free introductory course. Scientology has the potential to free humanity from the crippling yoke of common sense, unshackling billions from the chains of century after century of scientific precedent, and yet he still won't give it a try."

    "I realize that Craig seems very happy with his narrow little common-sense-based worldview," Frank continued, "but when you think of all the widely embraced beliefs that are excluded by that way of thinking, you have to feel kind of sad."
     
  2. Rusty Davenport

    Rusty Davenport Silver Level contributor

    1 Corinthians 3:18) Let no man deceive himself.If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world,let him become a fool,that he may be wise.19) For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.For it is written, HE TAKETH THE WISE IN THEIR OWN CRAFTINESS. Ken,all I can say is man's wisdom falls far short of God;BELIEVE GOD!!!!!!! I suggest that you read Psalm chapter 37 to get a idea of how God will deal with a believer and also with unbelievers;I particuliarly like verse 39)But the salvation of the righteous is of the Lord:he is their strength in time of trouble.40)And the Lord shall help them,and deliver them:he shall deliver them from the wicked,and save them,because they trust in him.
     
  3. KEN COTRONA

    KEN COTRONA Well-Known Member

    "stay away from god
    remain disturbed

    slide." charles bukowski
     
  4. GSXMEN

    GSXMEN Got Jesus?

    When someone is lost - they need to know where to look!

    Matthew 7

    7)"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8)For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
    9)"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10)Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11)If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
     
  5. Truzi

    Truzi Perpetual Student

    Phaedrus 265:d
    Well, everthing else in it really does appear to me to have been spoken in play. But part of it was given with Fortune's guidance, and there were in it two kinds of things the nature of which it would be quite wonderful to grasp by means of a systematic art.


    Good one, Ken, I'll have to share it with my friends; but I thought The Onion only published made-up stories :laugh:


    1 Hippias 301:e
    We were so foolish, my friend, before you said what you did, that we had an opinion about me and you that each of us is one, but that we wouldn't both be one (which is what each of us would be) because we're not one but two -- we were so stupid-like. But now, we have been instructed by you that if two is what we both are, two is what each of us must be as well; and if each is one, then both must be one as well.
     
  6. RACEBUICKS

    RACEBUICKS Guest

    Wasnt a band of those Torot readers busted recently??? It was that fake jamacin accented woman (her group) Miss Cleo or something like that. I guess they couldnt predict the future after all.:Dou:
     
  7. GSXMEN

    GSXMEN Got Jesus?

    Guess they didn't 'see' that one coming....big suprise.:Brow:
     

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