French War History

Discussion in 'The Bench' started by Greg B, Feb 19, 2003.

  1. Greg B

    Greg B Well-Known Member

    - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
    victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    -Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
    participants started ignoring her.

    - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    -The Dutch War - Tied

    -War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military
    power.

    -War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more
    action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the
    fighting."

    - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact thatthe opponent was also French.

    - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
    footwear designer.

    - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    - World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    -World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    - War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

    - Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
    Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    - War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
    ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.


    The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France collapses?"

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

    Rumor has it that those French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1 forward. Just in case they're attacked from behind, that's where the forward gear comes in handy.

    Q - What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
    A - The Army.

    Q - What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered during WWII? A - "Table for One Hundred Thousand?"


    Q - Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
    A - Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

    How many men does it take to defend Paris?
    Don't know cause it's never been tried.


    Tom Brokaw (of all people) said on one of the late night shows(Letterman?) that there was a new bumper sticker out there that says..."First Iraq, then France."
    ________
    Vaporizer review
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2011
  2. Da Torquester.

    Da Torquester. Platinum Level Contributor

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: I still have an old button that I bought about 1986, after the Libya problem. It says " Reunite Germany!!! France needs another ass kicking" !!!
    :laugh: John
     
  3. GSXMEN

    GSXMEN Got Jesus?

    More fun with the French.

    "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
    ---Jacques Chirac, President of France

    "As far as France is concerned, you're right."
    ---Rush Limbaugh, Doctor of Democracy

    "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
    --- Regis Philbin

    "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
    --- P.J O'Rourke

    "Somebody was telling me about a French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once"
    ---Missouri Republican Rep. Roy Blunt

    "The French will only agree to go to war in Iraq after we've proven we've found truffles there."
    ---Dennis Miller

    "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
    ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

    "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
    --Conan O'Brien

    "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
    ---Jay Leno

    "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
    --David Letterman
     
  4. GSXMEN

    GSXMEN Got Jesus?

    And a little WWII cartoon humor...
     

    Attached Files:

  5. Greg B

    Greg B Well-Known Member

    Breaking News from France

    Fireworks ban in France

    France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney.

    Last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.
    ________
    Vapir One Review
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2011
  6. Woodie

    Woodie Well-Known Member

    Why did the French line the streets of Paris with trees???







    So the Germans could march in the shade...:moonu: :moonu:
     
  7. Buick Power

    Buick Power Well-Known Member

    Glad to see this post. France is a bunch of winer's that are trying to kiss ass. No more French fries... only Freedom fries! I think there should be some arrangements to have a stealth bomber accidently drop a nuc on France while enroute to Iraq. Oh and their depiction of Bush with a Hitler mustache and swastika really pissed me off. In no way are our actions even remotely the same as Hitler's.

    Dave
     
  8. brblx

    brblx clueless

    i believe the correct term would be 'liberty taters.'
     
  9. 2manybuicks

    2manybuicks Founders Club Member

    As one of the resident liberals on this board I would just like to list the factual errors and distorions in the list of war results at the start of this thread:
    1) Uhhh...
    2) Well....
    3) Then again...

    Dammit, your right, my daughter's pop-up books take more time to fold than the french army.

    Also, don't get too offended about the French drawing Bush with a Hitler moustache and a swastika on his arm. It could simply be a misunderstanding -- maybe those collaborationist frogs are simply trying to show that they like Bush. God knows half of em welcomed Hitler with open arms. Could be their way of saying "come on over and stay a while". Which, in all honesty, might not be such a bad idea.

    -- Steve



    -- Steve
     

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